Jopurnal entry April 17th 2001

[dwim]

Don't feel much like writing these days - mostly concentrating on the rewrites of my first novel - which I'm believing is not all that good - M____ broke up w/ me, never even got to celebrate with the wine that I've bought especially for toasting w/ her - left the wine over at her place unopened, because I didn't feel much like having to do with it - wonder if it's still unopened? I don't care what's on TV right now - I don't even feel like reading - had mom faxed out my resume to a place - press stuff- flexible - part time - would go great with the writing I need to do- need - great- now it's a need- everything that became so much like a need- I need money - I need to get publish somewhere, I need a life, need need need, everywhere I need to go & forget everything else people need to do - what do I need the most? me, I need me-
I am considering a novel - no plot type of thing; perhaps a hidden one - where a guy goes from bitter to sweet, hopeless to hope, angry to not angry, coarse in scabrous thoughts to loving with good intentions - I fancy it a love story - & sex is a part of it - work will be attacked, realationships foundations will be attacked even my beloved country of the United States of America will be attacked - why attack these things? Because I want to save my beloved country of the United States of America - but how do I become free to do so though?

--------------

June 6th 2001

I want to be there for you
Wherever you are tonight
dreaming your dreams &
all I do is
Dream I'm there with you -

-----------------

One word I like is drive - drive to succeed - drive cross the country - drive 'em all down - R.E.M. song - "drive, drive shack a lack" - how many bands have a song called "drive" anyway? or about driving anyway?

------------

All these things just go down
& down it goes-
this is the downward spiral of things
Life crashing down hopelessly
Life stopping flow of cash is stopped

----
eccentric poet in need of inspiration, goth, hippie, normal, don't matter, sex- unimortant whether I get laid or not, life demands that I look for muse in females, a woman i can place on pedestal, make her better than she really is & set myself up for disappointment - however, I keep trying 7 trying again - looking forward to try love again & don't really care if I love again - my art demands experiences to write on - with a kindred spirit to discuss literature, philosophy, before, during, & after sex or no sex at all - wants to wake up next to a woman, naked or clothed- no matter & discuss dream from night before or early morning thoughts-

[dwim]

July 24th 2001

Thoughts

If I
am here to
pay off my
karmic debts
I expect I'll
have it all
paid off, about
4 lifetimes down
the road-
unless I
really fuck
things up
the next life
like-
start a war
flippant towards
authorities
find myself an
oppressed minority
(the effect of
being oppressed,
not being a
minority
all humans are
beautiful)
oppressing minorities
from my position-
forgot to tip the
karma jar
not being good to
my beloved ones
boy- i would
should could
hate having to
go thru all this
mess again-
but i hope to
come back as
a squirrel or
a cat, maybe
a dog, anything
at all but humans-
except
a cow
or a chicken
-end-
--------------

Let's all go
down this
road here
keep on
cruising &
bruising until
all the dreams
fade out &
they never really
do until I stop
& I ain't gonna
stop here not how
not now no way
keep on going is this
my ROAD my PATH my
DREAM yes it is
well-
I'd be damned

haikus (2 selected)

these crumpled sheets
splayed all over
this humble bed

cat purr
floor stay still
air still silent

[This message has been edited by dwim (edited July 25, 2001).]

[This message has been edited by dwim (edited July 25, 2001).]